Happy holidays or holiday from hell?

Ah holidays, the thing we look forward too all year long. We count down the days, go holiday shopping and dream of laying on the beach, sun in our faces without a care in the world. However this year our holiday was nothing like that.

Picture this, its 100 degree's, 4 adults and 3 children aged 4 months old, 7 years old and 10 years old set off on holiday at 4am, one car and one van because we have that much stuff we had to rent a van. After several hours and stopping to let my niece be sick in a lay by we arrive at Haven holiday park in Hastings where the 7 of us will live in close quarters for the next 7 days in a caravan. It sounds like a nightmare doesn't 7 people living on top of each other 2 toilets and one tv. Myself and James had the double bedroom, my two nieces shared one room, my mum and Alice shared another and my brother slept in the lounge.

The first day when we arrived it was only half pasted 7 in the morning so nothing was open not even reception so we decided to all head down to the beach in Hastings, my two nieces extremely excited to be on holiday blowing up their rubber rings to go in the sea. Alice was not all that happy as she had been up since 3am and was sick of being in the car. We parked up, grabbed everything but the kitchen sink and set up camp on the beach. My nieces were unhappy as there was no sand on the beach only stones so they couldn't build any sandcastles however we still had fun and even Alice went for a dip in the sea but she was not impressed! After arguing for several minutes with my nieces about putting on sun cream we were finally ready for some fun in the sun. After some gentle persuasion I even managed to get James to come in the sea which is rarity and where he shortly after got stung by a jellyfish, just his luck! My nieces then decided they no longer wanted to swim in the jellyfish infested waters so we packed up all our things and headed back to the campsite.

By the time we got back to the campsite the pool was now open so we went to reception to get our passes and decided to go for a swim. When we arrived at the pool it was your typical british holiday scene, both the indoor and outdoor pool were packed like sardines, there was no where to sit and it was really loud and noisy. After spending a few hours in the pool finally our caravan was ready. We went in and relaxed for the rest of the day whilst my younger niece decorated her's and her cousins bedroom with cat things because she is cat mad, she brought everything but the kitchen sink I kid you not she even brought a cat draught excluder!

The first night went well and Alice slept all the way through because she was exhausted, my nieces got up super early which came back to bite us later in the day when they were very tired and moody later that night. That night we decided to go down to the kids entertainment but Alice stayed at the caravan with James as she would of hated, neither of my nieces would join in and wanted to go in the arcade more than anything!

The rest of the holiday flew by and before we knew it we were on our way home, stuck in traffic, Alice had pooed and I had sang baby shark the 100th time whilst my nieces argued over the name of an Abba song and our holiday had come to an end!

Would I do it again? Questionable. I feel that Alice was a little too young to go on holiday and struggled with the change in routine. I know she wont remember it but James and I will and one day when she's older we will tell all about her first holiday and how much of a nightmare it was. Looking back at it now it was a nightmare but was also a lot of fun, I haven't documented it all in this post just  a few of things that happened but I just wanted to share with you all some memories of Alice's first holiday!

Love The Honest Mum 

xox 

You are not alone

Having a baby is one of the most life changing journeys you will ever embark on and it doesn't matter what age you are nothing can quite prepare you for parenthood.

When I found out I was having a baby I was happy and scared at the same time, I couldn't wait to bask in my newborn baby and dress them in sweet little outfits and meet other mums and go out for coffee whilst my baby blissfully slept in their pushchair, it sounded ideal. I couldn't wait to meet my baby for the first time and feel that instant love and pure joy when you finally get to see them but it didn't exactly go like that the midwife showed me baby Alice and I looked at her and thought, is that my baby? And to be quite truthful I thought she was gross (anyone who says their baby looks cute the second they are born are probably lying) and thats when the panic set in. I am now responsible for this baby for the next however many years and it scared me it really did. Don't get me wrong I loved her with everything I had but when I had a baby I don't think I quite realised how hard it was going to be. 

It doesn't matter if your a single mum, single dad, a couple or living with your family no matter who you are the first few weeks of parenthood are the hardest and no one can prepare you for it. You feel like your life has been taken over by this new baby, you can't remember your life before you had a baby. You feel like the soul purpose of your life now is to wash bottles and change nappies. You are constantly exhausted and all your baby seems to do is cry, you start to question if your good enough for them. You feel like a failure. All you want to do is just sleep for 12 hours and block out the world. You feel like nobody understands you and what you are going through. 

The days go on by and day by day you somehow manage to muddle through. Just when you think you are starting to get into a routine and understand your baby something throws you off balance and you are right back to square one feeling like a failure again. You care about your baby its clear to see as you do the necessary things to keep them alive but deep down you feel as though they would be better off without you. You look at your small innocent baby laying there looking at you with such love in there eyes and you think to yourself it doesn't matter how hard it gets you have to keep going  because they need you, so you pick yourself and you carry on. 

4 months in and it hasn't got any easier but at the same time it hasn't got any harder. 4 months ago I thought I couldn't do it and look at me now, I am surviving because I know she needs me and I can't give up on her. So it doesn't matter who you are or how much support you have because I have all the support in the world we are all struggling, some more than others but we are. So before you stare at the mum walking round the supermarket who's child is screaming and judge them just remember that you have no idea how much they are struggling right now, so give them a friendly smile and show them some support. Reach out to a friend who has been quite for a while. Make an effort to see people who have children so they know they are not alone. I am very fortunate to have such a good neighbour who is now my best friend who also has a baby and since become friends we have supported each other in many ways and since then life has got a little bit easier. The most important thing to remember from this though is that it does get better, you are not alone and that you are good enough, don't give up just yet your baby needs you and you need them. 

The Honest Mum

xox

But mummy you can't be ill

So since Alice has been born I have been very fortunate enough to avoid the most dreaded thing that can happen to mum but today it finally happened... I got ill.

Now you may be thinking so what? You are ill everyone gets ill but when you are a mum you do not have time to be ill. You can't be ill when you have a child, there is no going back to bed feeling sorry for yourself and snuggling down watching Netflix, its changing shitty nappies and sterilising bottles whilst your child screams in your ear all day. Alice got up at 3:45am today. Let me repeat that 3:45am. Its like she knew that I was ill and thought I am going to get up ridiculously early today. So there I am sitting in bed watching ten t-rex's in the gym by ABCkidstv (look it up you will not regret it)  with a blocked nose, my throat feels like sandpaper and the day had only just begun. James was leaving for work and I secretly wanted him to stay so he could look after Alice and I could crawl back into bed and die but I knew that wasn't going to happen so I had to just get on and deal with it.

After a few hours of laying in bed suffering ABCkidstv I finally dragged myself out of bed changed Alice's nappy and got her dressed so at least one of us didn't look like a shit tip. As I went to throw nappy in the bin I glanced at the calendar and saw that James grandparents were coming to visit and panicked and ran down stairs (fear not Alice was in her bed safe before you all start calling social services) and the house looked like bomb site. Great.

Several hours later I was lying on my neighbours sofa with Alice, still not dressed and the house was still a mess but I knew I couldn't let them whilst the house looked like this. After 45 minutes of quick tidying and shutting the doors to the bedrooms where I had just shoved all the crap and pulled the doors too so nobody could see I felt worse than ever but there was no time to rest as Alice wanted feeding. Feed over, shitty nappy changed I felt like I could finally sit down and relax but boy was I wrong. Alice was crying uncontrollably for no reason whatsoever and all the while I just wanted to walk away and climb in bed and sleep but I knew I couldn't for Alice. I did many things today such as washing, cleaning and even trying to save bees #BeeEmergency. The day seemed to drag on and finally James arrived home and took over which I was really grateful for, but it got me thinking mums don't have time to be ill unlike dads who take to their bed when their ill but mums just get on with it. I applaud all the single mums who are doing it solo with there kids and when they are ill they have no choice but to get on with it. So heres to all the mums that are ill or have been ill and are just getting on with, one day you will be able to be ill in peace but your kids will be all grown and you'll miss them being tiny and clinging to you so enjoy it while you can even on your bad days.

Love The Honest Mum

xox 

quote of the week: 

'Why the hell are we watching the adverts on a recording' 

You've got a friend in me

Recently I have been spending a lot of time with my next door neighbour which has been really nice, she has a 9 month old little girl who plays with Alice who is 3 months old. I love and hate it, I love it because I have someone to hang out with but also I get to see what I have in store when Alice gets older which at the moment I am not loving after what I've seen!

Since I have been spending more time with her my anxiety has not been so bad, I haven't felt lonely in a long time and I have laughed a lot more. This morning Alice was really screaming so I messaged her and said 'Alice has woken up on the wrong side of the bed' and she instantly replied with 'tea?' so with that I picked up Alice and headed next door in our pj's (which I love because I know she will also be in her pj's so its totally acceptable for me to turn up in cat onesie). When I got round there  a rush of relief hit me, Alice stopped crying and I felt like the day was getting back on track. I drank my tea and we chatted, then I used her shower (because mine is broken and her washing machine is broken so we did an exchange) and we walked to the shop together. Before I started hanging out with neighbour I wouldn't of dreamed of going to the shop because the thought of leaving the house scared me, but since spending time with her I have been to Morrisons, to town and to the corner shop, we've even been out for lunch! I finally feel like my anxiety is subsiding and that I can go places without having a panic attack and honestly it feels great. 

Furthermore sometimes I really struggle with Alice, there are days where she will not stop crying and on one occasion I locked myself in the bathroom for 3 minutes because I couldn't handle it, although these days are very far and few when they do happen it makes me feel like a failure. Living next door to someone who has baby who also has those days has made me feel so much better. I have realised that everyone's children have days like these and sometimes they cannot be prevented. It is nice to know that I am not alone in this and that someone else understands what I am going through. I guess what I am trying to say is that you never know a person, to my neighbour she may not know that I have really bad anxiety and that doing something simple like inviting me round for a cup of tea makes the world of a difference. I don't have many friends but the ones I do have I am very grateful for. So to my neighbour who I know will read this I want to say thanks for all the tea, the laughs, the showers and for also helping out with Alice. Lastly to my neighbour I would just like to quote something a cowboy once famously said you've got a friend in me...

The Honest Mum xox

It's my baby I'll do what I want

Since having Alice I have come to realise that the world and his wife are suddenly all parenting experts. Everyone has an opinion on what I should be doing for my child and it really irritates me. People who don't even have children will pass on comments and I personally feel that it is my child so I will do what I like. Granted most people are just trying to help but sometimes people do not understand that when they poke their noses in sometimes it can hurt.

When you are a mum you are constantly worrying that you are never doing a good enough job for your child and when people judge you and pass on comments about the way you are parenting your child it makes you feel inferior and like you are failing as a mother and nobody should be made to feel like that. I understand that most people do not realise how hurtful their comments can be but especially when you are a first time mum it really knocks your confidence and it makes you question everything you are doing for your baby. Something I have come to realise recently is that no matter what you do people will always have an opinion on what you do, so I do what I feel is best for my child.

In addition I generally find that the people who seem to pass on these comments are people who are older than me and it normally sounds like something like this 'Don't you think you ought to put a blanket on them they'll be cold' or 'Don't leave them on the sofa they'll fall off'. Firstly are you trying to imply that I would let my child freeze to death? Because if so I deserve the worst mother of the year award and secondly they are 2 months old they can't move very far and if they were to somehow magically move to the edge of the sofa and fall off quite frankly i'd be impressed! I think another thing people fail to realise is that a lot of things have changed since they had children so below I have compiled a list of things that you should and shouldn't do in this day an age:

1. Do not let them sleep anyway but on their back because if you force your child to sleep on their back then it reduces the risks of cot death however some babies hate sleeping on back so have fun with months of sleepless nights.
2. Do not share your bed with your baby because you may roll over and squish them also apparently you will have a very clingy toddler but when your baby gets up at 5am for the past week and you are so tired beyond functioning at this point you are willing to try anything,
3. Do not stop sterilising until your baby is at least 1 year old despite the fact from 6 months onwards they sit on the floor and put everything and anything they find on the floor which is probably way worse than not sterilising their bottles. 
4. Do not feed your child food before 6 months because well I am not really sure why? Its just one of those things, don't feed the gremlins after midnight, don't feed the ducks bread and don't feed your child before 6 months. 
5. Do support your babies head for the first year or it will in fact fall off. 
6. Lastly do whatever the hell you like because its your baby.

There are so many rules nowadays when it comes to babies and I struggle to keep up to be honest. Every week their is always something new to be worrying about; like recently someone (who may I add does not even have children) is arguing that we should be asking children's consent to change their nappies. Fuck off. You cannot ask a 1 month old baby 'can I change your nappy' because what are they going to do turn around and 'okay mum sure I consent' they are a baby, I am sure they are just grateful that we are not leaving them sat their in their shit for hours, also I can guarantee if you ask a 2 year old if you can change their nappy it will be firm no so what do you do then? Leave them sitting in shit forever? 

Furthermore this is what I mean by everyone has opinion on how you should do things but everyone else's opinion shouldn't affect the way you bring up your child, you should do what want not what society wants. As Alice gets older I have started to realise that no matter what I do in life someone somewhere who doesn't have children is going to tell me I am doing it all wrong and you know what I am okay with that because its my child and I will do what I want. 

The honest Mum xox 

Lastly I have decided at the end of every blog I am going to add a quote from the week that reflects how my week has gone and this is this weeks quote which I am sure my friend who is most likely reading this will appreciate it so here goes:

'Alice sometimes in life you are going to have to have a dummy that has been stuck to your mums arse because she can't bothered going next door and getting another from the steriliser' 

and thus concludes this week.

Shopping with children

Today I was lucky enough to be able to go food shopping child free. As I was walking around the shop I saw a mum with 4 children, they were crying, they were screaming and everyone was doing what they always do when they see a mum with screaming children they were giving the mum a sympathetic look, you know the look where you feel bad so you make awkward eye contact and kinda half smile as if to say don't worry it will get better even though you know thats a pile of crap and you know full well its only going to get worse. It always baffled me why mums took their children shopping until I had my own baby and I realised that sometimes you have no choice but to take them. Alice is only 3 months old and I already hate taking her, its so hard to walk round Morrison's because Alice is still a baby and people always stop to look and say things like 'she's cute and tiny how much did she weigh?' and things like that. I have now resorted into walking around going 'her name is Alice she is 3 months old she weighed 6lb exactly and yes her feet are cute' Not that I don't mind people stopping and cooing over my baby it gets a bit ridiculous when it takes me an hour to go round a shop to get milk in bread.

At the moment I only have one child and I take my hat off to people who have more than one child and take them shopping because I struggle with Alice. The amount of things you have to take to the shop when you have a baby is crazy, I long for the days where I can just put Alice in the car and go, at the moment I need to get up 3 hours before I need to leave just to prepare for going to the shop. Once I get there it is no walk in the park. Alice normally screams for her bottle just as we get there, then once she is fed she then doesn't want to be put down and when I eventually put her down she normally throws up all over herself nevertheless I carry on. Just as Im half way through my shopping is normally the time she decided's to go for a poo, so I dragged the trolley and myself over to the dark dingy toilets where I clean up a poo-splosion (this is what I call one of those poo's that literally explode everywhere) so I spend another half an hour cleaning that up. Once that traumatic ordeal is over then I can finally resume shopping but by this time I have forgotten half the things I need because I have forgotten my shopping list in the rush of grabbing everything this morning so I wonder aimlessly half asleep as Alice has been up all night, picking up what I think I need only to get home later and realise I brought a load of crap I didn't really need.

Just as I think I am near to finishing my shopping I see a sale in the children's clothes isle and spend another hour picking up cute little outfits for Alice that I know full well she doesn't need and will only wear once but I just can't resist it. I finally get to the tills where I realise I have left all my bags at home and have to buy some more, and I tell myself this time when I pack my shopping I will organise it so it easier to pack away when I get home, then Alice begins to cry again so I think fuck it as I throw my frozen stuff in with the baby clothes. I finally finish packing it all up and throwing it into the trolley when the person on the till tells me how much I've spent and I nearly fall over in shock, how could I of spent that much? (I know deep down its all the baby clothes and chocolate that make it add up) but nonetheless I pull out my card and pray it doesn't get declined. Card approved and off I ago feeling proud of myself for surviving another shopping trip with my baby. As I am leaving another mum is entering with her children and as I walk by I give her a sympathetic look because I know what she has in store. So next time you see a mum walking around the shop and her kids are screaming, don't judge her, don't stare, just give her a look that shows her that you feel for her and you understand because shopping with kids its not easy and I salute you all who dares to take their children shopping.

The honest Mum xox

Mummy I just want you.

Mummy just wants to shower and Mummy wants to brush her teeth. Mummy just wants to sleep for hours and have something to eat. Mummy just wants a glass of wine and have a wee alone, oh please children can you get off Mummy's  phone. Mummy is tired and Mummy is worn and has been since the day you were born. Mummy has cared for you and loved you so dearly, every single day, since the day you were born she did everything for you, she even changed your stinky poo's. She's wiped your tears and held your hand through everything you do, she really would do anything for you. But when you follow mummy around crying for attention, you do not realise how hard it is for mummy to get things done, like clean the dishes and wash your clothes and all the things that follows. Mummy would love to just stop tidying and spend her time with you but mummy hasn't cleaned the house in so long as she's been too busy playing with you. The floors are dirty and the kitchens a mess, you plead oh mummy please help me get dressed. Not right now can't you see mummy's busy just do it yourself, all mummy needs is some time to herself. But mummy I want you to come brush my hair, mummy is busy, but mummy its not fair. All I want is your time and attention, oh mummy oh mummy did I forget to mention, all the while your cleaning the house and I follow you round like a little mouse, our precious time is slipping away and you may not know it but one day, I wont need you to play with me and brush my hair and help me sleep. I will grow up and time will pass us by, oh mummy remember that I wont always be 5. I will grow to be an adult too but mummy right now all I want is you.  So leave the housework and forget the dishes, mummy I have so many wishes but the one wish I really want to come true is the one where I just get to spend time with you.

The Honest Mum xox