When I found out I was having a baby I was happy and scared at the same time, I couldn't wait to bask in my newborn baby and dress them in sweet little outfits and meet other mums and go out for coffee whilst my baby blissfully slept in their pushchair, it sounded ideal. I couldn't wait to meet my baby for the first time and feel that instant love and pure joy when you finally get to see them but it didn't exactly go like that the midwife showed me baby Alice and I looked at her and thought, is that my baby? And to be quite truthful I thought she was gross (anyone who says their baby looks cute the second they are born are probably lying) and thats when the panic set in. I am now responsible for this baby for the next however many years and it scared me it really did. Don't get me wrong I loved her with everything I had but when I had a baby I don't think I quite realised how hard it was going to be.
It doesn't matter if your a single mum, single dad, a couple or living with your family no matter who you are the first few weeks of parenthood are the hardest and no one can prepare you for it. You feel like your life has been taken over by this new baby, you can't remember your life before you had a baby. You feel like the soul purpose of your life now is to wash bottles and change nappies. You are constantly exhausted and all your baby seems to do is cry, you start to question if your good enough for them. You feel like a failure. All you want to do is just sleep for 12 hours and block out the world. You feel like nobody understands you and what you are going through.
The days go on by and day by day you somehow manage to muddle through. Just when you think you are starting to get into a routine and understand your baby something throws you off balance and you are right back to square one feeling like a failure again. You care about your baby its clear to see as you do the necessary things to keep them alive but deep down you feel as though they would be better off without you. You look at your small innocent baby laying there looking at you with such love in there eyes and you think to yourself it doesn't matter how hard it gets you have to keep going because they need you, so you pick yourself and you carry on.
4 months in and it hasn't got any easier but at the same time it hasn't got any harder. 4 months ago I thought I couldn't do it and look at me now, I am surviving because I know she needs me and I can't give up on her. So it doesn't matter who you are or how much support you have because I have all the support in the world we are all struggling, some more than others but we are. So before you stare at the mum walking round the supermarket who's child is screaming and judge them just remember that you have no idea how much they are struggling right now, so give them a friendly smile and show them some support. Reach out to a friend who has been quite for a while. Make an effort to see people who have children so they know they are not alone. I am very fortunate to have such a good neighbour who is now my best friend who also has a baby and since become friends we have supported each other in many ways and since then life has got a little bit easier. The most important thing to remember from this though is that it does get better, you are not alone and that you are good enough, don't give up just yet your baby needs you and you need them.
The Honest Mum
xox
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