When I found out I was a mum to be, I couldn't of been more happier you see. A baby of mine to call my own, to love and care for and bring into my home. 9 months went by and I was starting to get excited, to meet my bundle of joy I was so delighted. The day finally came and you made your entrance into the world, a little, happy and healthy baby the most perfect little girl. I took you home and my emotions were high, its just hormones everyone said as I sighed. I cried a lot more over silly little things like the mess of my house and how no ones emptied the bins. I thought nothing off it because I just had a baby and then someone said to me maybe you have post natal depression maybe? Depression oh no, I'm fine you see, its just my hormones taking over me. Weeks go by and I isolate myself, inside my house it's as quiet as a mouse. Just me and my baby, happy as can be, not talking to anyone or leaving the house regularly. My babies growing up and i am muddling along, starting to feel alone and like I have no one. My favourite time of the day is when my partner comes home so I get some adult conversation and I don't feel so alone, but hes tired and worn from working hard, he just wants to sleep but yet im rambling on, about CBeebies and all of the housework i've done all day, he suggest I go out to a baby group of two, maybe you'll make friends someone to converse with too. I don't need to go out I am fine staying in, besides going out would mean actually leaving the house. The weeks continue on and I am starting to feel blue, there is nothing more that I would like to do than pick up my baby and put her in the buggy and walk to the shop, the park or go out when its sunny. But the thing is now that time has gone on i am finding it hard to keep carrying on, I feel like I can't leave the house alone, its been so long now i feel like that i've fallen into the zone, of feeling anxious every time i have to leave my home, I don't feel comfortable anymore when I'm out all alone. Things start getting worse and I'm on a downward spiral, the house work is being neglected never mind the washing pile. I barley get dressed or even brush my hair, sometimes I shower but even then that is rare. I'm lacking in energy and enthusiasm too, I really do feel ever so blue. But I cannot complain as I am a mum, there is little tiny human who relies on me too much. So I will carry on and solider on through, I will clean all the dishes and clean the loo too. I will push myself to my limits and even then i'll carry on for you, because mummy doesn't matter, its all about you. but what mummy doesn't know is that she can't carry on like this, she can try her very best but it won't last long, soon enough everything will start to go wrong. Mummy will start shouting more and getting stressed, she won't bother with herself and she will never get dressed. She will rarely be happy or show a smile, she may even want to hide away for a while. but that is not healthy and that is not normal, mummy don't hide away life's not awful. You are just struggling now and things will improve please go get help if I only you knew, that life might seem great when you have a baby but if things don't improve after a few weeks then maybe, you have anxiety and depression that will only get worse if you don't seek help, your mental health comes first. You may be a mum and your life may be busy but there is always time to better yourself, before you get in a real tizzy. So before things get worse and you fall in the dark pit of feeling alone and depressed, go get yourself dressed, head down to your doctors and book an appointment. Tell them everything from feeling scared to feeling blue and I promise they will do what they can to help you. A year has gone by and I am finally getting help, a year wasted feeling sad and alone, if only I had known just how bad it can all become, but I am getting the help that I need right now and I hope that one day my baby will be proud of how far i've come but just because I am a mum it doesn't mean I can't be heard or seen.
If anyone out there is struggling please go get help. No one will judge you, and it is for the best. I wish I went and got help sooner because I have wasted a whole year feeling depressed and anxiety riddled and that is a whole year of my life I will never get back. Thanks for reading and I love you all so much.
The Honest Mum
xoxo
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